He loves to spring the hard stuff on me at random times. My brother, he’s good at that.
We’d been hanging out at his house for a few hours. I’d played with his dog and kitties. My step-sister had come and gone. We were getting ready to go out to eat when he said it. So…I know more about our brother. Which brother I asked? (Legit question. As we have a brother that we don’t see (his family is his drugs) and a step-brother monster that I choose not to see.) The brother we have never known, was his answer.
*silence*
Oh that one. The one my dad helped create, yet never cared a second for. The one my step-mom said had been given up for adoption at birth by his mother, in Sweden no less. That brother. Huh. For a minute I considered just changing the subject. Of course, my curiosity never lets me do that. Okay dude, tell me.
What she (step-mom) told us was complete bull crap. He wasn’t adopted. His mother kept him.
I am not surprised by any of those things actually. You’d think I would have been. But no. I know my step-mom is a liar. Even in a drunken rampage of everyone’s emotions she can still pick and choose what she says.
But then he dropped the bomb. He lived in the Valley his entire life.
For those who don’t know? The Valley is the San Fernando Valley in California. It’s a large part of Los Angeles. Mere miles from where I grew up. Say 15 at most. I have relatives who live in The Valley. I spent a lot of time there as a child. Apparently my little brother lives there. Always has.
Here’s the thing though. My bro and I? We’ve (since finding out ten years ago) always wondered how we could find him. Now, we know where he lives. We know people who knew his mother back then and all logic tells us that they know her now. At least they could tell us her name and we could search her out.
I’ve spent ten years trying to remember her name, as I do remember her. She was a passing figure in my dad’s life for a month or two when I was five years old. Yet, I can’t seem to remember.
We talked about this the entire walk to dinner. We talked about finding him. About knowing him. About the probability that he’s the spiting image of my dad. We wondered how tall he might be. If he has other siblings. What he’s done with his life. All valid questions.
Except for one thing. He’s 25 years old. (Or maybe 24. Hard to know exactly.) He’s never come looking for our dad or for us. There is a very good possibility that he was raised by a man who he believes to be his dad.
While we know that in time we could get the right people drunk and find out his mother’s name and locate him…the true question is, how do we ruin someone’s life like that? Just because we want to know him, doesn’t mean he’d want to know us.
We have no answers. We may never do a thing. Maybe just knowing he was raised in the same area as we were, is enough. That he wasn’t given up in Sweden. Maybe knowing that he’s alive and could easily locate us if he wanted too, is enough.
I know how to be a good sister to my bro. We were raised together. I know what he means when he says something odd. I know he’s the only person more stubborn than me and that’s saying a lot. I know that when he calls me late at night, he’s lonely. I know that he’s one of the hardest working men in this world. I know that he tells everyone he doesn’t want kids, but will make an amazing dad one day. I know him. He knows me. We are very close.
We decided to sit on this decision for awhile. Maybe a few years. We both said, we’d let it go for now. Until we have an answer to the question, if it were us, would we want to meet us? Would we want two adults showing up and claiming to be long lost siblings, if we’d never been told our dad wasn’t our real dad? If we knew nothing, would we want two strangers ruining the life we thought we had?
Until we know, we wait.
Do you ever wonder what happens to people? The ones who fall off the Internet? The people you consider friends, who are there one day and not the next?
I had this friend a few years ago. Kim. Ponytails Kim. She and I were close for say six-seven months. The last four months of my pregnancy to Harrison and a few months after. She may not know it, but she helped me get through that pregnancy. Her humor helped me get through what was a very rough pregnancy. She cracked me up on a daily basis.
She has three girls, each a bit older than each of my kids and we’d trade funny kid stories. We’d chat on Gmail thought out the week. Every day, I looked forward to talking to her. She was, at the time, my life vest.
Then one day, when Harrison was maybe two month old she was just gone. I tried emailing her. Nothing. I waited a bit and tried again. Nothing. For a long time I worried that something I’d said had run her off. Then I started wondering what could have happened to her. Still, all this time has passed and I’ve never seen her around again.
I still hope that she shows up one day.
She’s not the first and I know she won’t be the last. Blogging is a hobby for most of us and after a time, people tend to get bored with it. They close up shop. Sometimes saying goodbye, sometimes going away into the night, never to be seen from again. I’ve been doing this a long time. 2005 was when I started blogging. I’ve seen more people come and go than I can even begin to tell you. But the ones who just disappear? I always wonder about them.
So let’s say you get this medical diagnosis. One that makes sense. One that is very obviously correct because you have all the symptoms. You’ve had all the symptoms for 15 years, no one ever bothered to see it. (Isn’t the medical community in this country superb?) The doctor hands you a little few page brochure and a prescription for medication and sends you on your way. She happens to mention…you will lose weight on this medication, because hey your body will start working correctly. If you exercise you will lose even more weight.
You start to dream. Dream of weight loss that has never happened for you, no matter which crazy diet you tried, nor amount of exercise. You dream of smaller clothes. Of cuter clothes. You dream of not feeling self conscious if you order junk food in front of a bunch of skinny people.
Then after a few days, the dream leaves. The fear that it’s false comes creeping back in. You get mad at yourself for having hope, for believing in something that may not happen for you. See years ago, after trying every diet and exercising all the dam time and not loosing a pound, you decided to embrace who you obviously were. The fat friend. You decided that while you couldn’t be skinny, you could still be healthy. That was what was important. You learned to just be you. Any hope of changing it somehow died.
But then here’s some doctor waving hope around on a piece of paper. You’ve already gotten your hopes up. You start exercising in hope that it helps.
But hope is scary. Hope feels false. Why if you were okay with who you were two months ago, are you not okay with who you are today? You feel confused. Hope is confusing.
And that’s where I am right now.
1. We got snow days for freezing cold weather, even though there was no snow on the ground. Yet today, it’s basically an ice skating rink out there and there is school. I saw FIVE accidents on the way to the school. One of which was at the end of my block, where a car went through my neighbors freaking back yard. Who thinks up this system?
2. Why Jillian Michaels keeps telling me not to phone it in. WTF? Really Jillian? I have to hear this every dam time I watch your stupid video? I DON’T call anyone. Who am I not phoning exactly? Tell me not to text it in and it may make more sense.
3. Why children fight over the color spoon they get. It’s a spoon. You eat off of it.
4. Why the girls school keeps sending home emails about the illnesses going around. Last week it was lice. This week it’s a “very nasty stomach bug”. You know what? I’m not sure I want to know in advance.
5. Why I always think I need a number 5, even if I don’t have that many things to say.
Hi. I’m working. Even though my kids are off, I’m working. I work for a company (or a boss I should say) who doesn’t really believe in holidays. Or families for that matter. Oh well. So I’m here working and my kids are here destroying my house.
Moving on.
-I am addicted to House Hunters International. I love it. I adore seeing what houses look like in different countries. They always show couples three houses and generally speaking, I can guess which one they will choose. My favorite part is seeing what the couple does to the house in the end. You can tell a lot about people by how they decorate their house. Yesterday I saw an episode that pissed me off to no end. A couple bought a house in Italy. It wasn’t that part that pissed me off. It’s that they didn’t show it done at the end. It was a major fixed upper and they never showed it done. I can’t handle this. What kinda crap is that? I don’t want to imagine it done. I want to see it done. Like I said. I’m addicted.
-In the past few months, my DVD player has been having…um emotional problems? Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s one of those things that we can’t really go without. I’ve known I needed to do something about it soon, however since it’s attached to a surround system, I’d been a bit hesitant. That is a definite want, not a need. However, I heard that Ultimate Electronics was going out of business and I went to go check it out. I purchased a Blu-Ray player with a surround system. It’s lovely. I mean, I had to ask my ex husband to come hook it up. But I adore it. I can not believe the difference and that’s even with just DVDs. So this month? Budget is teetering on the edge. However? I did pay cash for my new toy, so it’s all good. Have you gone Blu-Ray yet?
Monday. It seems to come every dam week, no matter how much we all try to avoid it. This one showed up way to early this morning. A Monday after a busy, full, crazy weekend can be harsh. I’ve been thinking that the word Monday sounds a bit too pleasant. Maybe we should re-name it. Make it sound how it feels.
How do these sound?
Un-funday
You’ll be late for work day.
Hitting the snooze four times too many day.
It will all go wrong today, day.
Not enough coffee in the world day.
Jerky day.
Screams a lot day.
Welcome back to hell day.
Suck day.
Too much work to do day.
Behind by 9am day.
Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the only one who wants to junk punch Monday. What say you?
-About my son asking to pee in the potty this morning. However I’m sure it’s a fluke. Also? I’m not touching that issue until summer. Winter and layers and pee soaked clothes? Nope.
-About the snow. However, it’s snowing in 80% of the country and no one cares to hear about it anymore.
-About my possibly having PCOS and being scared shit-less. However, until I know for sure, that seems dumb.
-That maybe after doing this for five years, I’m out of things to say. **Which after an hour, I realized I may have stolen the exact words that my friend Jodifur said last week. Oops. Sorry Jodi.
-About the fact that I’m considering taking down BlogHerAds, just so that I didn’t feel like I need to post more than once a week, if I don’t want too.
-That winter is really getting to me. That all I want to do is sleep.
I listen to the same song all day. It’s what I do when I find a new one I love. Then on day two, I add it to a play-list. A play-list of songs I’m in love with. The current one has about twelve songs on it. It varies, depending on my mood. Music is on in my house, from the second I wake up, until I go to bed. (Except when the TV is on in the evenings.) Music is as important in my life, as breathing. In fact, it helps me breath. I could live without a lot of things, but not without music.
*************
On a morning like today, after a night of almost no-sleep, I tend to get panicky. It happens after over-thinking all night long. This morning, I reached for my iPhone before I got too far. An email. A photo. A few texts. I instantly felt the panic subside. I am not alone. This morning, in my house, in my bed, I was not alone. Even though, no one else is here (except the dog), I stopped feeling so alone.
********
Walgreen’s near my house has Slurpee’s. There is something so off about that.
*********
There is a job interview tonight. Will it be the one? Will it be what I need? Can I get my own health insurance, since they don’t offer it.? I don’t know. What I know is that after work, I have a job interview. Even if it’s not right, at least I know I’m moving forward. I could really use some good thoughts tonight, if you have any to spare.
Because today, I need a reminder.
1. Making up words and definitions. I’ve always loved doing this. Today? I’ve decided that saying: to Internet, is a verb. As in, I am too tired to Internet today. See? It works. Done. I’ve made it so. The end.
2. Instagram. It’s a photo sharing app. If you use it, you can look for me. My name on there is Issascrazyworld. (I call it tying to make it easy for everyone. Cough. *lazy* Cough.) Really though? What’s not to love? You take cute photos. You can share them on Twitter/Facebook if you want. It also saves all of them to your iPhone photos. It’s just a great app. Here see:
3. This season of Top Chef. It makes me laugh.
4.Flickr. I know, I’m way late to the game. However after loosing a years worth of photos two weeks ago, I am bound and determined to never have that happen again. I upgraded to Pro in seconds, because I found old CD’s that had photos of the girls as babies and toddlers and well, I wanted to upload them. It’s the first step in making photo books, which is something I’ve wanted to do for years. Now to organize nine years worth of photos.
5. All of you. For reading. For supporting me. For giving me the space to say, I’m having a hard time, for no apparent reason. For believing for me that it won’t last, when I have trouble believing.
I was going to do a best of post. I do have a best of page, see the pretty button up there? It’s not completely up to date. But it’s close. But really? I’m not sure I’d call any of my posts great this year. Then I considered doing resolutions. I’m not actually a fan of them, so that idea got thrown out. What to do, what to do? Then I found a meme. One I actually don’t believe I’d seen before. Which is shocking after nearly six years of blogging.
Meme kindly stolen from Temerity Jane, who got it from Sundry. Hmm, maybe it’s not stealing if you ask. I did ask. I’m all nice and polite like that.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I made a pie. I baked a cake. I got divorced. That last one, I don’t really recommend.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Years ago, I decided to stop making resolutions. Then I could stop felling bad about myself in February when I stopped or re-started doing whatever it was I swore I was no longer going to do. So far? That has worked out great.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A cousin. Well my ex’s cousins daughter. She, despite her very young age, is a phenomenal mother to a chubby, drooly, rolly polly of a boy. Besides her? Um just Internet friends.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Which is actually pleasant and surprising considering the past few years that had been filled with death.
5. What countries did you visit?
None. Well unless NYC counts, which I hear it doesn’t.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A great job. I have one and it’s not great. One that will end soon. Which sucks. So I’d like a good job. I’d also like to not have to worry about money so much.
Confidence. In myself. In my ability to create the life I want to have.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 20th when I turned 30.
March 3. My 11th anniversary. It will stay in my head forever, because there won’t be a 12th.
A weekend spent in the mountains in June with just my big girl. As well as the ones in May and September where I took all of my kids. It’s a different world up there. All quiet and peaceful and beautiful.
October 14th. The day my marriage was officially over.
An entire weekend spend in California in April. It was pretty dam fun. This one in October was as well.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I made it. I know that seems silly to say. But I can honestly say, that there were many moments where I wasn’t sure. Yet, I have proved to myself over and over and over again that I am stronger than I think. I’ve bought a car. I’ve maintained my house. I’ve taken care of my kids. Alone. I’ve done it. And that is big.
9. What was your biggest failure?
If I say my divorce will you throw things at me? It’s true. My biggest failure this year was that.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I have vague memory of re-breaking my left thumb in March or something. I’m trying to block it out though.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My iPad, Stella. She was my 30th birthday gift to myself. I also bought myself a new (used) car in September. The first one I ever bought by myself, which was scary and exciting. Her name is Harper.
12. Where did most of your money go?
Divorce lawyer. Oh and bills. Lots of bills.
13. What did you get really excited about?
Visiting friends. Seeing NYC. Attending BlogHer. That was really a phenomenal trip. Also? Watching Morgan do her first dance performance. That was amazing.
14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I have two actually. If I knew then, by Lady Antebellum and A little bit stronger by Sara Evans.
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Happier. This week last year? Was horrendous. I’m so thrilled to be beyond it.
– thinner or fatter? Same.
– richer or poorer? Poorer.
16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Laughed. Spent more time outside in the summer. Cooked more.
17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Flipped out over nothing. Worried. Stressed over the little things that I have no control over. I will say though, this year has been a year of complete change for me. I have trouble with that much change. I’ve done the best I could to get through it. As the year progressed it’s gotten easier for me to deal with things.
18. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve, I took my mom and kids to see Zoo Lights. I cooked. We opened gifts. Then? I dropped them off at their dad’s at 8pm and went home to watch movies with my mom. On Christmas, my mom and I went and hung out at my ex’s aunts house and had Christmas lunch there. It was not perfect, I’ll make some changes to it next year. But it was okay.
19. What was your favorite TV program?
New to me this year? Castle. I adore Castle. But I also still consider The Big Bang Theory and The Amazing Race in my list of favorites too.
20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Um the Percy Jackson series? Literally, I believe I read two adult books this past year. One was, It’s not You, It’s Me, by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, which I loved. The other was Every Last One by Anna Quindlen, which was harsh but I liked. Mostly though, I’ve read kid books.
21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Sugarland’s new CD. Michael Buble. David Nail.
22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Harry Potter. I know I’ve seen others. Am blanking on them. Valentine’s Day cracked me up. So did Sex and the City 2.
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30. I spent an amazing day with my best friend. I had Princess Cake for breakfast. I saw Ikea for the first time. I remember crying a ton, but meh, that’s just how it ended. It was still a great day.
24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
This is a hard one for me. Can I say, living on the same street as my three best friends and call it good?
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
I really love flip-flops.
26. What kept you sane?
My kids. My best friends. This blog community.
27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Life is constantly changing. No matter what you think about it. The only thing one can do is move through it and hope it improves.
My wish for all of us, is an amazing 2011. xoxo, Issa
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