So let’s say you get this medical diagnosis. One that makes sense. One that is very obviously correct because you have all the symptoms. You’ve had all the symptoms for 15 years, no one ever bothered to see it. (Isn’t the medical community in this country superb?) The doctor hands you a little few page brochure and a prescription for medication and sends you on your way. She happens to mention…you will lose weight on this medication, because hey your body will start working correctly. If you exercise you will lose even more weight.
You start to dream. Dream of weight loss that has never happened for you, no matter which crazy diet you tried, nor amount of exercise. You dream of smaller clothes. Of cuter clothes. You dream of not feeling self conscious if you order junk food in front of a bunch of skinny people.
Then after a few days, the dream leaves. The fear that it’s false comes creeping back in. You get mad at yourself for having hope, for believing in something that may not happen for you. See years ago, after trying every diet and exercising all the dam time and not loosing a pound, you decided to embrace who you obviously were. The fat friend. You decided that while you couldn’t be skinny, you could still be healthy. That was what was important. You learned to just be you. Any hope of changing it somehow died.
But then here’s some doctor waving hope around on a piece of paper. You’ve already gotten your hopes up. You start exercising in hope that it helps.
But hope is scary. Hope feels false. Why if you were okay with who you were two months ago, are you not okay with who you are today? You feel confused. Hope is confusing.
And that’s where I am right now.
1. We got snow days for freezing cold weather, even though there was no snow on the ground. Yet today, it’s basically an ice skating rink out there and there is school. I saw FIVE accidents on the way to the school. One of which was at the end of my block, where a car went through my neighbors freaking back yard. Who thinks up this system?
2. Why Jillian Michaels keeps telling me not to phone it in. WTF? Really Jillian? I have to hear this every dam time I watch your stupid video? I DON’T call anyone. Who am I not phoning exactly? Tell me not to text it in and it may make more sense.
3. Why children fight over the color spoon they get. It’s a spoon. You eat off of it.
4. Why the girls school keeps sending home emails about the illnesses going around. Last week it was lice. This week it’s a “very nasty stomach bug”. You know what? I’m not sure I want to know in advance.
5. Why I always think I need a number 5, even if I don’t have that many things to say.
Hi. I’m working. Even though my kids are off, I’m working. I work for a company (or a boss I should say) who doesn’t really believe in holidays. Or families for that matter. Oh well. So I’m here working and my kids are here destroying my house.
Moving on.
-I am addicted to House Hunters International. I love it. I adore seeing what houses look like in different countries. They always show couples three houses and generally speaking, I can guess which one they will choose. My favorite part is seeing what the couple does to the house in the end. You can tell a lot about people by how they decorate their house. Yesterday I saw an episode that pissed me off to no end. A couple bought a house in Italy. It wasn’t that part that pissed me off. It’s that they didn’t show it done at the end. It was a major fixed upper and they never showed it done. I can’t handle this. What kinda crap is that? I don’t want to imagine it done. I want to see it done. Like I said. I’m addicted.
-In the past few months, my DVD player has been having…um emotional problems? Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s one of those things that we can’t really go without. I’ve known I needed to do something about it soon, however since it’s attached to a surround system, I’d been a bit hesitant. That is a definite want, not a need. However, I heard that Ultimate Electronics was going out of business and I went to go check it out. I purchased a Blu-Ray player with a surround system. It’s lovely. I mean, I had to ask my ex husband to come hook it up. But I adore it. I can not believe the difference and that’s even with just DVDs. So this month? Budget is teetering on the edge. However? I did pay cash for my new toy, so it’s all good. Have you gone Blu-Ray yet?
Monday. It seems to come every dam week, no matter how much we all try to avoid it. This one showed up way to early this morning. A Monday after a busy, full, crazy weekend can be harsh. I’ve been thinking that the word Monday sounds a bit too pleasant. Maybe we should re-name it. Make it sound how it feels.
How do these sound?
Un-funday
You’ll be late for work day.
Hitting the snooze four times too many day.
It will all go wrong today, day.
Not enough coffee in the world day.
Jerky day.
Screams a lot day.
Welcome back to hell day.
Suck day.
Too much work to do day.
Behind by 9am day.
Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the only one who wants to junk punch Monday. What say you?
-About my son asking to pee in the potty this morning. However I’m sure it’s a fluke. Also? I’m not touching that issue until summer. Winter and layers and pee soaked clothes? Nope.
-About the snow. However, it’s snowing in 80% of the country and no one cares to hear about it anymore.
-About my possibly having PCOS and being scared shit-less. However, until I know for sure, that seems dumb.
-That maybe after doing this for five years, I’m out of things to say. **Which after an hour, I realized I may have stolen the exact words that my friend Jodifur said last week. Oops. Sorry Jodi.
-About the fact that I’m considering taking down BlogHerAds, just so that I didn’t feel like I need to post more than once a week, if I don’t want too.
-That winter is really getting to me. That all I want to do is sleep.
I listen to the same song all day. It’s what I do when I find a new one I love. Then on day two, I add it to a play-list. A play-list of songs I’m in love with. The current one has about twelve songs on it. It varies, depending on my mood. Music is on in my house, from the second I wake up, until I go to bed. (Except when the TV is on in the evenings.) Music is as important in my life, as breathing. In fact, it helps me breath. I could live without a lot of things, but not without music.
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On a morning like today, after a night of almost no-sleep, I tend to get panicky. It happens after over-thinking all night long. This morning, I reached for my iPhone before I got too far. An email. A photo. A few texts. I instantly felt the panic subside. I am not alone. This morning, in my house, in my bed, I was not alone. Even though, no one else is here (except the dog), I stopped feeling so alone.
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Walgreen’s near my house has Slurpee’s. There is something so off about that.
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There is a job interview tonight. Will it be the one? Will it be what I need? Can I get my own health insurance, since they don’t offer it.? I don’t know. What I know is that after work, I have a job interview. Even if it’s not right, at least I know I’m moving forward. I could really use some good thoughts tonight, if you have any to spare.
Because today, I need a reminder.
1. Making up words and definitions. I’ve always loved doing this. Today? I’ve decided that saying: to Internet, is a verb. As in, I am too tired to Internet today. See? It works. Done. I’ve made it so. The end.
2. Instagram. It’s a photo sharing app. If you use it, you can look for me. My name on there is Issascrazyworld. (I call it tying to make it easy for everyone. Cough. *lazy* Cough.) Really though? What’s not to love? You take cute photos. You can share them on Twitter/Facebook if you want. It also saves all of them to your iPhone photos. It’s just a great app. Here see:
3. This season of Top Chef. It makes me laugh.
4.Flickr. I know, I’m way late to the game. However after loosing a years worth of photos two weeks ago, I am bound and determined to never have that happen again. I upgraded to Pro in seconds, because I found old CD’s that had photos of the girls as babies and toddlers and well, I wanted to upload them. It’s the first step in making photo books, which is something I’ve wanted to do for years. Now to organize nine years worth of photos.
5. All of you. For reading. For supporting me. For giving me the space to say, I’m having a hard time, for no apparent reason. For believing for me that it won’t last, when I have trouble believing.
I was going to do a best of post. I do have a best of page, see the pretty button up there? It’s not completely up to date. But it’s close. But really? I’m not sure I’d call any of my posts great this year. Then I considered doing resolutions. I’m not actually a fan of them, so that idea got thrown out. What to do, what to do? Then I found a meme. One I actually don’t believe I’d seen before. Which is shocking after nearly six years of blogging.
Meme kindly stolen from Temerity Jane, who got it from Sundry. Hmm, maybe it’s not stealing if you ask. I did ask. I’m all nice and polite like that.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
I made a pie. I baked a cake. I got divorced. That last one, I don’t really recommend.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Years ago, I decided to stop making resolutions. Then I could stop felling bad about myself in February when I stopped or re-started doing whatever it was I swore I was no longer going to do. So far? That has worked out great.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
A cousin. Well my ex’s cousins daughter. She, despite her very young age, is a phenomenal mother to a chubby, drooly, rolly polly of a boy. Besides her? Um just Internet friends.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Which is actually pleasant and surprising considering the past few years that had been filled with death.
5. What countries did you visit?
None. Well unless NYC counts, which I hear it doesn’t.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A great job. I have one and it’s not great. One that will end soon. Which sucks. So I’d like a good job. I’d also like to not have to worry about money so much.
Confidence. In myself. In my ability to create the life I want to have.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 20th when I turned 30.
March 3. My 11th anniversary. It will stay in my head forever, because there won’t be a 12th.
A weekend spent in the mountains in June with just my big girl. As well as the ones in May and September where I took all of my kids. It’s a different world up there. All quiet and peaceful and beautiful.
October 14th. The day my marriage was officially over.
An entire weekend spend in California in April. It was pretty dam fun. This one in October was as well.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I made it. I know that seems silly to say. But I can honestly say, that there were many moments where I wasn’t sure. Yet, I have proved to myself over and over and over again that I am stronger than I think. I’ve bought a car. I’ve maintained my house. I’ve taken care of my kids. Alone. I’ve done it. And that is big.
9. What was your biggest failure?
If I say my divorce will you throw things at me? It’s true. My biggest failure this year was that.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I have vague memory of re-breaking my left thumb in March or something. I’m trying to block it out though.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
My iPad, Stella. She was my 30th birthday gift to myself. I also bought myself a new (used) car in September. The first one I ever bought by myself, which was scary and exciting. Her name is Harper.
12. Where did most of your money go?
Divorce lawyer. Oh and bills. Lots of bills.
13. What did you get really excited about?
Visiting friends. Seeing NYC. Attending BlogHer. That was really a phenomenal trip. Also? Watching Morgan do her first dance performance. That was amazing.
14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
I have two actually. If I knew then, by Lady Antebellum and A little bit stronger by Sara Evans.
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Happier. This week last year? Was horrendous. I’m so thrilled to be beyond it.
– thinner or fatter? Same.
– richer or poorer? Poorer.
16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Laughed. Spent more time outside in the summer. Cooked more.
17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Flipped out over nothing. Worried. Stressed over the little things that I have no control over. I will say though, this year has been a year of complete change for me. I have trouble with that much change. I’ve done the best I could to get through it. As the year progressed it’s gotten easier for me to deal with things.
18. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve, I took my mom and kids to see Zoo Lights. I cooked. We opened gifts. Then? I dropped them off at their dad’s at 8pm and went home to watch movies with my mom. On Christmas, my mom and I went and hung out at my ex’s aunts house and had Christmas lunch there. It was not perfect, I’ll make some changes to it next year. But it was okay.
19. What was your favorite TV program?
New to me this year? Castle. I adore Castle. But I also still consider The Big Bang Theory and The Amazing Race in my list of favorites too.
20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Um the Percy Jackson series? Literally, I believe I read two adult books this past year. One was, It’s not You, It’s Me, by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, which I loved. The other was Every Last One by Anna Quindlen, which was harsh but I liked. Mostly though, I’ve read kid books.
21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Sugarland’s new CD. Michael Buble. David Nail.
22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Harry Potter. I know I’ve seen others. Am blanking on them. Valentine’s Day cracked me up. So did Sex and the City 2.
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30. I spent an amazing day with my best friend. I had Princess Cake for breakfast. I saw Ikea for the first time. I remember crying a ton, but meh, that’s just how it ended. It was still a great day.
24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
This is a hard one for me. Can I say, living on the same street as my three best friends and call it good?
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
I really love flip-flops.
26. What kept you sane?
My kids. My best friends. This blog community.
27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Life is constantly changing. No matter what you think about it. The only thing one can do is move through it and hope it improves.
My wish for all of us, is an amazing 2011. xoxo, Issa
I remember this week last year. I wrote one of the hardest posts in my life. It was a post filled with love and heartache. Because, just as I said then, the two do tend to go hand and hand.
Back then, I didn’t know that I’d make it. I’d just been told one of the worst things a person can hear: I don’t love you any more, I want a divorce. I thought the pain that I was in would last forever. Melodramatic? Maybe. I tend to be that at times. Yet loosing the life I thought I knew, was (is) harsh. We’d created what I thought was a great life. Then suddenly it was gone. It’s not something I recommend actually. Not something I wanted, yet there it was.
Suddenly it was just me. I only had me to count on. I had to become my kids everything, at least when they were with me. I used to cry at night. Man I cried at night for months. I used to panic constantly. I was a complete mess for months.
Here I sit though, a year later, completely changed. Stronger. More sure of myself. Confident in my ability to make it, no matter how shitty any particular day may be. Possibly a bit more cynical and jaded. Perhaps a bit more cracked than I was before. But I made it.
Want to hear a secret? I think I’m stronger without him. I think I’ve learned to trust myself. To do things for myself. I feel stronger today than I have in years. Don’t get me wrong, my ex is not a bad guy. He’s a good guy and the best daddy I could have ever hoped for our children to have. He’s just a man who fell out of love with me.
But what I’ve realized in the past few months, is that our relationship changed three years ago, when I lost a baby and had a mini-nervous breakdown. From that day forward, our relationship changed. I don’t blame either of us on that one really. What happened was beyond our control. How we dealt with it? Changed us both forever. It was the downfall of our relationship.
Bygones.
However, I’ve never felt strong in any way since then. This past few months? I’ve started to feel it again. Even when I have a day filled with doubt and or sadness, it’s just that. A day. It doesn’t drag on for weeks. I don’t let it anymore. Yesterday was a shitty day. I can’t talk about it, because well we all learned from Dooce what you don’t talk about on your blog. Ahem. However? That was yesterday. Today is a new day. It will be okay. I will figure it all out.
I still have a long way to go. This I know. But next year? It’s going to be my year. I feel it. It has to be. I’m going to make it happen.
I hope you all have a great New Years. Thank you for supporting me this year. I love you all more than I can put into words for your continued support and encouragement.
My mind moves a million miles a minute. It always has. I’d bet that I’m as close to having ADHD as one can be without actually having it. Or well with being as lazy as I tend to be. What was I saying?
Ah yes, my mind. It’s fast. It moves miles a minute. I do things all day at a mile a minute. I work all day, yet I also manage to email my friends, to talk to people on Twitter and to play games on WWF. I can do it all at once. I am a multi-tasker extraordinaire. If there were such a title on Wikipedia, I’d bet they’d have my photo on there.
People always ask me, how can you keep up. In reality, I can’t. I just am able to do enough at once, that it seems like I can. It’s the appearance that I give off, I suppose.
The truth? Is that it’s exhausting. I’m a speed reader, but the more I try to do, the less I really catch. My reader is constantly out of hand. I have blogs in there that I don’t even like anymore, but I feel obligated to read them. More and more, I am closing, opening and closing Twitter, without saying a thing. The more I try to keep up, the less I am able to keep up.
It doesn’t help that there is Christmas to deal with and relatives to deal with. It doesn’t help that my kids will be off school for two weeks and I still have to work 80% of that time.
I’m getting too scattered, because I’m trying to do too much. In the end, I’m getting nothing done. Nothing at home, nothing online. I still get my work done….but you know, they pay me. Blogging for me is a hobby.
Do you know that I can’t tell you what happened in 75% of the TV shows I’ve watched this season? I can’t tell you, because I’m also playing on Twitter, or trying to read blogs while I watch TV.
I need to start to slow it down. To learn to do one thing at a time. To be on Twitter, if I want to be on Twitter, not while I’m doing 72 other things. I need to read blogs when I want to read blogs, not because I feel obligated. When I read them, I need to just read them, not also be playing on Twitter.
I am exhausted right now. I’ve taken on too much. I do too much. It’s time to slow down some. It’s time to learn to do one thing at a time.
I have, in the past six months or so, stopped being online much the nights and weekends that I have the kids, except for the occasional tweet sent from my phone. This has been good for them. For me too. Yet, I also need to have nights where I just sit and do nothing for me, when I don’t have them. I need to watch TV more. It sounds silly, I’m sure. The idea of me saying I need to watch more TV. It’s not just that though. I never just relax. I never just sit and do nothing. Even when I’m doing something like playing Angry Birds, I generally am doing three other things. It’s that I’ve let this become a second job. One that I do not get paid for. One that I probably put as many hours a week on, as I do with my paid job.
I dearly love blogging. I love this online world. It’s saved me this past year. It’s helped me learn to be okay this year. You all have helped me more this year than I can even begin to tell you.
But for myself, for my sanity? I have to slow it down.
Next year? I want to write a book. A full book. One that I don’t trash halfway through. That is my goal for next year. To write the novel that is swimming in my head. The only way for me to have time to do that, is to slow down my online life a bit. I’ll still be here. I’ll still write. I’ll still read. I’ll still even be on Twitter. Just not as much.
Hopefully I can learn to do this. This slowing of my life a bit. Hopefully you all will still visit me, if I start posting one less time a week. I can hope. I’m sure it’s a silly fear, that you all will forget me. I have that fear though. I still have to try though. For me. I have to try for me.
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