My home life is small. I lead a small life. Friends are few and far between. I have more acquaintances here than friends. Don’t get me wrong, I do fun things. I shop, I go out to eat, I see movies. My kids and I play mini-golf and we check out parks. We have been to amusement parks and seen numerous movies this summer. A few times a year, we do mini vacations. Yet, more often than not, you’ll find me at home. I don’t mind it. I’m a homebody.
My social life is mostly led online. I work full time and mother full time; I have three children, a house and a dog. This, for me, makes social media the easiest way to connect with people. It’s because of social media that I have any friends at all. I tell you that because it’s true. I’m also lucky enough to tell you that I have tons of amazing friends. Friends I can count on, friends who always support me. I’ve long since stopped caring that most of them live elsewhere.
People ask me all the time if going to BlogHer is worth it and I always tell them HELL YES! You want to know why? Because I got see my friends. For the past three years I’ve gone to BlogHer to be with the people I love and adore. At times I fit more living into those four days than I do in a regular six month time period. I come back horse each year from talking so much. I come home full of love, from all the amazing hugs and conservations. It holds me over until the next time I can go, or the next time I can go see my best friends.
My trip this year was both a BH trip and a BFF trip. Two for the price of one. Heh.
People ask me why they should spend the money and time to go to BlogHer and I can’t always explain it. It’s hard to put it into words. The best I can try and do is tell you some of the highlights of my weekend. Then…well you can decide for yourself.
I do this for dinners spent with nine people. For round tables at seafood places, and long rectangular ones at Mexican places. For tables where everyone talks at once together and others where a small intimate conversation manages to take place in the midst of a crazy loud one.
I do this to make connections. To introduce people I feel like I’ve known forever, to other people who I’ve known for years. To find someone a bed last second and to meet someone new at an airport at 6am on day one.
I do this to laugh at how four people can sit on a couch on their phones and still chat non-stop, without anyone thinking they are being ignored. I do this to be amazed at how a room full of people at a Blogging conference can spend three hours without anyone checking their phone.
I do this to check out a new city. Or at times to get to explore a part of a city that I’d been to before.
I do this for lunches the first day, where you start off with a group of 5 and end up getting a table for 9. For texts from people saying: I AM HERE! Midnight chats in bed. 8am chats in bed. Ha. Breakfasts of bagels and Starbucks for three days in a row.
I do this to finally meet someone at a party the last night and hug them eight times in a row. This amazing person who you’ve been friends with for six years and never managed to meet. Because each time something like this happens, I spend the next day wishing I’d had two more days to spend with this person.
Literally running into someone in the hallway and then spending the next two hours chatting with them and others who turned up.
I do this for: Sparklecorn. Cake balls. Serenity Suite. The Hallmark store that let me send a card to someone. Meeting people in the lobby.
I do this because we sit and chat about the people who are missing. The ones who were going to come and couldn’t last minute. The ones of you who wanted to be there. Even those of you who never want to come. We talk about you too. We share your blogs with each other. We gossip in the good way, the best way. The way that makes it seem like you are all there in a way.
I do this to watch the community keynote each year. To see 12-15 brave people stand up and read their posts. To laugh with them, to cry with them and sometimes laugh until I cry. This year, I had the pleasure of watching a very dear friend of mine read her post. Not the post I’d put in for her to read, but an even better one. It’s powerful and I hope you’ll take a few minutes to listen to it. (Please ignore the poor quality. I took it on my phone. You can hear it perfectly though.)
Each year I go in thinking that maybe next year I’ll pick a smaller conference. I say, this is my last one. By the end, I’m plotting how to get to next years. And this? This is all why.
This is why I do this.
This is my 500th post. 500. It seems like such a big number. I thought long and hard about what to say on this post, especially after not posting for nearly a month. I knew that my first post back, would be my 500th post. I wanted it to be good, not just a this is what I’ve been doing post…which I promise you will get later this week. No, this one needed to be special.
Then it hit me. This could go up today. See today, April 19th is my best friend Liz’s birthday. So this, my 500th post? Is for her.
***********************
Me: How’s the kitty?
Her: I want chips and salsa.
I laugh out loud to myself. Our text messages are often this random. She is the only person I can text like I would talk to if she were sitting in the room next too me, instead of 1230 something miles away. Anyone else would look at our texts and possible think we are nuts. Yet, it makes perfect sense to me.
************************
I read a post a few weeks ago on BlogHer about online friendships. It was called: Are Online Relationships Real? It wasn’t saying that they weren’t real, but it made me think. I’ve had this conversation many times. Sometimes with people who have no clue about it and think I’m insane. How can you be friends with people who you can’t see all the time, is always their question.
Other times I’ve had this conversation cramped into a hotel room with six or eight other people. With friends who understand and have had to have this conversation themselves with others who don’t get it. They are friends. Great friends actually, who I wouldn’t know if it weren’t for this online world. I know first hand that online friendships are real. I have many of them. People who are with me through thick and thin. Some I’m met in person, some I haven’t. I’ve found that it doesn’t really matter. I know who my real friends are.
True friendship is not dictated by proximity. It’s dictated by love and support and the ability to be there for another person, even when all you can do is say: I’m here. I’m listening and holding your hand from here. It shouldn’t matter where here actually is.
**********************
We met for the first time in September a year and a half ago after six months of non-stop talking.
What if she’s some crazy ax murderer, he asked me the night before. Dude. First? I already met her husband. Iss, there can be women ax murderers you know. Okay fine. Well second? I’ll be in Vegas. There are great CSI’s there.
It was a silly argument. I was nervous, but I had absolutely no fear about my best friend being a closet ax murderer. Even before that trip, I called her my best friend. She already was. My best friend twin soul sister.
There is this scene in the movie Julie and Julia where Julia Child meets for the first time a woman who she’d been pen pals with for years and years. I adore it. When I saw it in the theater it gave me chills. That’s what it was like for me, meeting Liz. Being able to hug someone who you’ve considered your best friend for months and months? I can’t even explain it.
********************
Our friend Lu calls her the wizard. Because she’s quiet, yet when she does talk, it’s exactly what needed to be said. She has a way with words.
She’s who I text for any and all cooking needs and questions. Even when she laughs, because I really do suck at cooking, she always knows what to do.
She’s the person I need when I’m panicky. The one who can always calm me down, no matter what is going on.
She always helps me see reason through the crazy. She’s always there to remind me that just because I think something in my head, doesn’t mean I need to apologize for it.
Really the girl deserves a medal for being best friends with someone as crazy as me. Or maybe she needs her head examined. Both. Yeah, it’s probably both.
She’s the only person I listen to the first time. (What can I say, I’m a stubborn ass.) Somehow she knows exactly what to say to me, to get me to do the right thing. Or to you know, stop being a stubborn ass.
********************
I went to her house, after Logan left me. There is no where else I wanted to be. On the side of a road one day, looking at the ocean while I sobbed, she swore to me that this wouldn’t kill me. That I would get past the pain. That one day I would feel like a whole person again and she’s be there to remind me that I did make it.
Even though I knew she was probably right, I didn’t believe it. Yeah. I was wrong on that one. I’m wrong often. I get caught up in my head when bad things happen. Sometimes I need a huge light to see reality. She tends to be that huge light. Maybe one of those lighthouse lights.
************************
I still remember the day we started talking. How funny that two years later I remember a single day. I’m not sure I can tell you what was on TV last night or what I had for lunch yesterday, but I remember that first DM conversation two years ago. Maybe it’s because it was significant. It was the day I made the greatest friend I’ve ever had.
Every day I know my life is better because she is in it. She makes me strive to be a better person, a better friend and a better mother. She is brave, smart, amazing, kind and beautiful and I absolutely adore her.
*********************
Happy birthday Liz. I’m so thrilled that I get to spend today here with you. Love you to the moon and back.
xoxo, Issa
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” – Anais Nin
*************
I’m going to say it was sometime in early 2009 when I started seeing this funny, sweet, sarcastic, snarky woman around the Internet. In all honesty, it was the snarky side that made me befriend her at first. I love me some good snark and the girl has the gift. Quickly though, I came to realize that this woman and I were meant to be friends.
Her name is Jenna. She’s one of my best friends. Today is her birthday.
When I first met her, she was very careful to keep me at a distance. It’s something I understand since it’s something I’ve done myself for years. Her wall was very high. Lucky for her (and me), I own a trampoline. I just jumped over the dam thing. She hasn’t been able to get rid of me since then.
I don’t know where I’d be without her. She has been one of my three rocks this past two years. She always supports me and she never ever lets me give up. She has the most amazing heart in the world. She’s caring and loving. She cracks me up on a daily basis. Anyone who can put up with me as a best friend, deserves a medal.
Sadly, I’m fresh out of medals, so I figured this would have to do.
We have a lot in common. We are also complete opposites in so many ways. I mean really, the girl doesn’t drink coffee and she likes eggplant. It’s a wonder we are as close as we are. Eggplant. *shudder*
Our friendship defies all odds. It exists because of this space. Because of the wonder of the Internet. I wouldn’t have met any of my best friends without the Internet. Some say it’s weird to have best friends who live in different states. Really though, it’s not like we know any different. You couldn’t see the way we support each other through everything and then say there was something wrong with our relationship.
Then again, I don’t mind people thinking I’m weird. Who wants to be normal? Normal seems very boring.
Every day I feel blessed to have her in my life. I can’t imagine life without her in it actually. I’m really not willing to even go there. She’s stuck with me.
Happy birthday Jenna. I love you more than there are words in the world.
xoxo, Issa
*****************
Happy Birthday Jenna. Thank you for being a part of this whole new world of true friendship. You have always been an amazing support to me and for that I am forever grateful. You were my very first online friend, and you will always have a special place in my heart. You reached out to me when you knew I needed you, and you have never let go. You offer help and support in any possible way that you can. Because of you I have a group of women that I can turn to with anything. Anything. I really don’t know what I would do without you and that’s not just because you know internet stuffs that I don’t get. Heh.
Our world of friendship is beyond amazing and is really difficult to explain, and yet very simple. We are best friends. It’s that simple. We support each other every single day. In every way, with everything. I can completely dump my life’s crap on you in an email and know that you are reading, caring, and will try to talk me off the ledge. Even if you have to bribe me with cupcakes.
I know this all might seem like a bit much to someone who is reading that may not know how close we are, but that’s okay. We get us. It works for us. That’s enough for me.
I am excited for the rebirth of Jenna and will be holding your hand through the next year and beyond. Please to be remembering how wonderful, strong, and amazing you are as a mother, friend, and woman.
Happy Birthday Love.
-Lu
******************
Dear Jenna,
Happiest of birthdays to you dear. With heaps of sprinkles (and some homemade caramel sauce) on top. This is one of those times that I wish I had a bottomless bank account. Not just because we could all be celebrating with you on Cupcake Fuck You Island. But because I’d be trying my hardest to buy your happiness. 
And I think that might be fun.
But anyways… I don’t. So I can’t. Instead I will tell you this. You? Are amazing. And strong. And generous. And beautiful. And loyal. And a wicked awesome friend. And an expert cook. And a devoted mom. And a sarcastic joker. And pretty much just all around spectacularly wonderful. And I? Am thankful for you. And your advice. And your humor. And your recipes. And your jokes. And most of all, your friendship. I treasure it.
I know you don’t always see the super star in you. But we, your true blue friends spread across the country, see it. Stick with us kid and we’ll remind you how great you are when you need it. We’ll pick you up and carry you when you are too exhausted. And we’ll laugh and cry with you as life unfolds.
Happy birthday dear. Here is to yummy cupcakes, toddler love, insane friends, GOOD chocolate, and new beginnings. Love you.
-Liz
************
Happy birthday darling.
Sometimes I get down, when I realize I have no one here. It can be very lonely. All of my friends live elsewhere. My three best friends, each live in different states, scattered over the US. There are days where I’d give just about anything to be able to go have coffee with them at their houses. To sit and talk. To go to dinner. Something. Anything. There are days when it makes me feel bad to know that without the Internet, I’d have no friends and social life.
Other times I realize how absolutely lucky I really am. I have the greatest friends in the world. People all over the US who I am lucky enough to call true friends. People I can chat with, text with and email with. People I could call if I needed someone to talk too. People who would open up their home to me for a few days, if I was in their area. People who take me, as me; just as I am. You can’t beat that type of friendship. I count myself blessed every day that I have it.
I spent a long weekend in California. A long amazing weekend. It wasn’t amazing because I did extraordinary things. I was just there. I spent time with friends. I played Angry Birds Halloween. I watched my friends son, when she ended up having to take her daughter to urgent care. I got sick on my last night there. Life you know? Just normal life.
It’s the small things though, the small moments that help me stay positive when I am home. The small moments that I can pull out and look at in my head later, on days when I need them. These are the things that remind me that I’m not alone.
Things like spending a few hours sitting on a couch, talking and laughing about the idiocy of sports figures. *cough* Brett Farve *cough* Making fun of a certain pitcher who has now famous facial hair. Joking about his weirdness. Reminding ourselves and each other that just because they do one thing so well that we all know who they are, doesn’t really make them anything other than human beings, who just happen to be famous.
Things like spending a day running errands with my best friend. Do I care that we went grocery shopping? Nope. We did other things too. But I don’t care that we did the normal things that all of us have to do every week. Doesn’t matter. I spent a day with my best friend. That’s all that matters.
An afternoon spent with this amazing woman, who drove a total of 18 hours this weekend, with her three children, to spend a few hours with friends. Priceless she said in her post and I have to say, I fully agree. At the end of the afternoon, we both stood there, continuing to talk, not wanting to leave the mall, even though the reality was, we were both going home to change, to then have dinner together. But she knows, as well as I do, how precious these minutes can be.
Dinner at a cozy restaurant with four friends. A conversation that covered a little bit of everything. Simple, easy, fun. Trying to hug people enough times until we meet again.
A day spent talking with friends, about sleep training, how fast the newborn phase goes and laughing about the most coveted baby toy on the market sounding exactly like a dog toy. Nom’ing on tiny baby cheeks.
Playing swords with two crazy little kids one night. Watching him play soccer a few times. Laughing as she does crazy things, such as eating an entire spoonful of butter at brunch, instead of her muffin. Knowing that I adore these kids as much as I could possibly adore kids that aren’t mine.
Was I sad to go home yesterday, yes. I always am. However, I’ve gotten better about it. I know now, there will be a next time. I’ve proved that to myself. These are my people, there will always be a next time.
I drink these moments up. Soak them into me, as deep as they’ll go. All the way to the bones in my toes. I hold onto them, knowing that it will be awhile before the next time. It’s not the same, as if I lived close to all these people, but it’s still great. I’ll take it when I can get it and know, that they are all here for me, even when it’s just over this crazy Internet world.
Six emails. Over the last two weeks, I’ve received six emails from Hallmark reminding me of Grandparents Day. On SEPTEMBER 12th!!!! Send a card. Don’t forget!!!! Which is all well and good. Grandparents deserve a day.
The problem? Grandparents Day was yesterday. I am fresh out of Grandparents. The day before Halloween, I will have officially lost all of mine in the past eight years. Also? Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my Grandpa’s death.
It’s been two years, but it still sometimes feels like yesterday. Yesterday? All the reminders of what day it was and what I should be celebrating, were hard. Downright hard. I was sad. I still am.
His face smiles at me in my hallway. It’s a great photo, taken the year before the heart surgery when I was seventeen. You can see the twinkle in his eyes. Before all professional photos, right as the person was about to tell them to smile, he’d make an inside joke to my Grandma. It always made for great pictures. They always looked like they’d just been laughing. Because they had. It took me a year to be able to look at that photo without crying. After his death, I almost took it down. It was just too hard. Too painful. I tried not to look at it for the longest time. Each time I forgot and looked, I cried. Now, most days, it makes me smile.
When something good happens, I want to call him. To tell him about it. I want to call him and Grandma and check on them. I wonder what they’d think about everything that has happened this past year. Maybe in some ways, it’s better they are gone. There are some things, I’m glad I don’t have to try and explain. But mostly, I wish I could call and hear their voices.
When I got my iPhone last month, I deleted their number from my phone. It hadn’t been thier number since December of 2008, when Grandma went into Hospice, yet I’d kept it in my phone that entire time.
If I close my eyes, I can picture them. I can see their house. Hear their voices. I remember going to work with Grandpa as a kid. Where he’d pay me to move bricks from one pile to another. I remember trips to Braums for ice cream. Two weeks every summer at their lake house. The way anywhere we went, he knew someone. He always said, oh this is my granddaughter. Yes, my youngest daughters, girl. You’ve met her before right? The pride in his voice when he’d tell people about my mom and her accomplishments. I remember it all. I close my eyes and I see him holding each of my girls as newborns. It makes me so sad to think that he passed two weeks before Harrison was born. That I was never able to take my son to meet him.
It’s hard. Hard to lose the most influential man in your life. It’s weird to say that loosing your grandfather was probably harder than loosing your dad will be one day, but for me, it’s true. Just because you know your grandparents won’t live forever, doesn’t make it any harder to have it become a reality.
From him, I learned to be a hard worker, no matter how much I despise my job. From him, I learned that family is the most important thing. That your friends, can be your family too. That helping people, is it’s own reward. That ice cream is a good idea, no matter the time of day.
I am a better person because I had him in my life. I just wish he was here, so I could send him a Hallmark card and tell him that.
This online world is strange. You meet people, you become friends with some of them and then the day comes where you realize that these are your people. That the names on a screen, the words on blog posts, the 140 character tweets have become real people to you.
The people who live in California, Oregon, Florida, Wisconsin, Washington State, Texas, Washington DC, New York, New Jersey…I could continue. These are your people. The women you count on. The women who listen, who make you feel heard. They support you. No matter what you tell them. They still support you, because somewhere in them, they understand; the emotion, if not the words. They make you laugh. They let you cry. Sometimes they make you cry. They accept you as you. Your people.
**********************************
We sit at lunch at a small sidewalk table. The city that never sleeps carries on around us. One on one, during a weekend filled with people. Honest. Real. Raw. It’s the moment that sticks in my head most from that weekend.
**********************************
I watch my cell phone. I wait for a text. This happens to me sometimes. When someone is hurting, I wait for texts like farmers wait for rain. It’s a need. Nothing is okay in that moment, until my phone chirps.
*********************************
I realize I’m cupping my hand. Have been doing it for over twenty minutes. It’s my attempt to hold her hand. 1300 miles away. I hope she feels it in some small way. Me here, holding onto her.
********************************
Curled up in bed, two people in the bed next to me. We talk and laugh for over an hour after we all should have been asleep. Maybe two hours. Even though we feel like we are still on west coast time, our bodies aren’t used to this hour. The conversation is always worth the lack of sleep.
********************************
I call her for the first time. Her voice sounds just how I thought it would. Because I know her. I’ve known her for months. We pick up our conversation like we’d been talking forever.
*******************************
I waited for her to get off the plane. We’d texted each other the night before, okay, I’m scared. It was almost funny, because how can you be nervous to meet someone who you talk to every single day? The second she got off the plane, I knew, this is all okay.
******************************
Not a day has gone by. Not a day. In a year at least. Without at least one text or email or DM.
*****************************
I look at my desk calendar and smile. They both have one too. I purchased them at Christmas. Silly little desk calendar. I’ve never loved one more in my entire life.
****************************
There was a day that I thought I’d just lay down and cease to exist. One of the harder days of this year. Doorbell. Flowers. For me. Just because. I still have the card. To brighten my day it said.
***************************
I cry into the phone. Late at night. I cry into the phone to her. She lets me. Always. No matter what. She sits there and lets me cry in her ear until I’m done. Then? She changes the subject. Asks a question. Tells me about something silly her kids did. Tells me about her dessert. Something. Anything. Because she knows me. She knows I need that, almost as much as I needed to cry.
**************************
An Italian restaurant. I was on vacation with my kids, but I made a point to take time to go meet her. Two hours of non stop talking. I felt like I’d known her forever. Even though it can go weeks between a tweet, I still consider her one of my people. It’s easy to pick up right where we left off, no matter how long it goes.
************************
One of us starts an email each morning. Generally just during the week. Four names. It pings back and forth all day. California. Colorado. Florida. Oregon.
***********************
You realize that as hard as it can be to have none of them live near you, it’s still worth it every day, to have them in your life. No one said your people had to live on the same street as you. There doesn’t need to be a definition for it. It just is.
These are my people. This is why I do this. Because of my people.
I’ve always had trouble taking compliments. I have a theory on why, but let’s just leave it at, when you’ve been abused as a kid, you tend to think you aren’t worth much. Part of it, I think I’ve gotten better at. Some of it may be a life long struggle. I try, I really do, but I tend to think I fail.
When people say something nice to me, I tend to come up with a million reasons in my head, as to why it’s not real. I berate myself. In my head. Sometimes outloud. Although I learned long ago to keep most of that to myself, because people then get a bit yelly. It’s not easy. To take a compliment as just a compliment. To hear the words and believe what people are saying, when you sometimes hate yourself. I know someone will yell at me for that. But a lot of times I do hate myself. I feel that I’m worthless. I know logically why I feel that way at times, yet, I’m not always able to stop it.
This past week has been a challenge for me. To go to a conference and have people want to meet me. Little ole me. Just because. Last year, I was able to tell myself, well I did that keynote, so they know who I am.
Yet there was 2,400 hundred people at the Hilton this past weekend and some people wanted to meet me. For the key reason, that they just wanted to meet me. This year, people said hi to me in elevators. Just because. People hugged me in the hallway. Just because. I didn’t do anything special this year. I was just me.
Do you know how strange that is for me?
I’ve cried about 12 times this past week, reading re-caps. You know why? Because people have said nice things about me. People who didn’t manage to meet me have said, I wish I’d met you. Some people told me, I was a reason they had a great time, I made their experience better. It warms my heart to hear that.
It’s strange for me though. It’s awesome and I love it, but it’s strange. I don’t always find myself worthy of this community. I generally feel like I don’t bring much too it.
What I do know? These past few days, instead of reading nice things about myself through a filter, through my filter, I just read them. I absorbed them. They made me smile, they made me cry. I believed them.
Progress. Small progress. But it’s something.
This year? I see photos of myself and I think, I truly love that photo. I haven’t picked apart how I looked in any of them.
I just love them.
So thank you. You and you and you. All of you. Just….thank you.
First, hi. I’ve missed you all. I’ve missed my little spot over here this past week.
I had the most amazing four days. Truly. I figure, since I’m me…and I’m completely exhausted…I’ll make you all a short list of reasons why I will be at next years conference.
1. I have the greatest friends in the entire world. People like my roomies Kari and Stacey who make me feel like I’ve known them forever. People who I can’t imagine my life without. People who I was so incredibly sad to leave after four days. I am already planning out how to get to San Diego just to spend more time with them. This is why I will be there. To see them. To hug them. To spend days talking to them.
2. I met some of the most amazing people ever. Jill, Jodi, Betsy, Maggie, Kim, Jessi, Kat. I know there are so many people I will be forgetting….please to be forgiving me. But hugging in person, people who you talk to daily? Is just a huge reason I do this every year. People who crack you up. People who make you think. People who make you feel okay about continuing to do this. People who help you remember why you stay in this crazy online world, despite the drama that goes on. Each year the group is a bit different, but it so far has made me realize, it’s just a chance to spend time with new people.
Meeting people who you immediately wonder how you’d never run across them in the community. People like Lisa. Wendi. People who are so nice and funny and genuine and you wonder how in the world you haven’t been following them this whole time.
Finally meeting people who you’ve talked to for years but never gotten to meet before. Liz, Kristen, Carmen.
Meeting all of those people? So worth my trip.
Seeing, hugging, eating with people you already know? It’s why I keep doing this.
3. Meals that somehow just work out. Meals with ten people. Four who you invited, four more who others invited, two who you managed to pick up in the lobby. Meals that were planned by basically inviting people and then inviting more people, until you get the random amazing group who ends up going. Because we all know, people are busy. People are trying to fit everything in. Meals, where it’s great whoever shows up. Meals, that you aren’t wanting to end. Because the conversations are so stimulating. So fun. So entertaining. It makes it worthwhile. It makes you trip. Inpromtu brunches and lunches and dinners at new restaurants? Are why I do this.
By the way? Serendipity? A life goal I have now accomplished. Frozen hot chocolate? Worth the airfare to NYC alone.
4. Watching your friend give a phenomenal keynote and watching all the other amazing people up there share their words, their stories.
5. Late night conversations in bed the last night. Sharing secrets, sharing stories, catching up with your friends after the lights are off. When after 2am, someone finally says, no matter how late we stay up, we still have to leave tomorrow, so maybe we should get a bit of sleep.
6. Sparklecorn. MamaPop managed to out-do themselves this year. I love that party. In fact? It was the only one I actually managed to attend. I would like to RSVP for next year. Like now. Can I do that please? Tracey? Amy? What do you say? Ha. You all did an amazing job with that party. I can’t even imagine how much work went into it. DUDE!!!! That cake. So good.
I tried to get to other parties. Something about BlogHer though? You just have to go with the flow. The flow for me this year? Was just have fun. Not feel stressed. There’s just no way to do it all.
7. Conversations about you. Yes you. You too. Oh and you, hidden in the back. We talk about you. In good ways. We talk about friends we wish were there. Best friends who weren’t able to make it. People we met last year. People we love. Blogs we adore. Blogs we read every day. We talk about how we wish you could all make it next year. How we sometimes want to hug every person who is lovely in our comments, especially on hard posts. We talk about you. We remember you. We miss you.
8. Hearing a friend, someone who you adore say: I was ready to be done. But this has helped me see, I’m not done. That makes it all worth it.
9. A day spent wandering New York with one of your best friends.
10. Seeing a new city. It really is a fun thing to explore a city you’ve never been too. I’d never seen NYC. I have been to San Diego many, many times. But exploring it with my friends next year? Will be awesome.
BlogHer 10 was amazing. I loved it. I did what I wanted. Enjoyed my friends. Saw a new city. Had an absolute blast. I am sure there was drama, but I wasn’t involved in any of it and I’m not willing to give it the time of day. BlogHer is what you make of it. I made my BlogHer experience a great one. The staff of BlogHer did a fabulous job and I want to thank them.
So, yes…I will be at BlogHer11 in San Diego.
So many days I crave quiet. My children are not quiet. Never. They even talk in their sleep. The dog? Soooo not quiet. She barks so much, that her nickname is barks-a-lot. I crave it. Quiet. I wish for days of quiet in a row. I wish for days where I don’t have to pick up toys, clothes, yell at kids for leaving skates and cars and balls on the stairs. I sometimes wish for days where I don’t have to argue with kids to brush their teeth, beg them to eat just one more dang bite, explain why one must sleep at night. Yet here I sit, on my third day of fifteen with no kids and I’m wanting noise. Even the dog is gone, on a two week trial period at my ex’s house.
I haven’t tripped over a toy car in days. I haven’t stepped on a Littlest Pet Shop Death Trap in days. My wii remotes are next to the wii, my tv remotes on my coffee table. My couch pillows are all on my couch. There isn’t a single sippy cup on my bedside table. I Haven’t broken up a fight in days. There are no shoes to locate. No tiny underwears in the floor of the kitchen. I haven’t walked into the bathroom to see a single unflushed toilet in days. Haven’t heard my son scream, mine do it!!!!!
It’s too quiet though. Strange the things you miss.
They are having a blast. Almost too much fun to really want to talk to me. The phone goes from kid to kid in minutes flat, so they can get back to whatever they doing. Two weeks of being spoiled by grandparents. Two weeks of non-stop pool time. Of amusement parks and treats and the entire content of Target purchased for their benefit.
I remember weeks spent with my grandparents when I was a kid. Every summer, we’d go for three weeks. Grandparent time. I loved it. I always had a blast. I doubt I wanted to spend much time on the phone with my mother either. I wanted this for my kids. I know I’m blessed to have it. I know my kids are blessed to have two sets of grandparents who want as much time with them as humanly possible.
I will go see a movie today. I may read an actual book, that doesn’t involve Harry Potter or Percy Jackson. I will work. I will sleep in. Next week I will go to BlogHer and then the following Saturday, they will be home. It really is okay.
It’s awfully quiet though.
For you at thirty,
Today you are six years old. If you want to be honest though, you aren’t really six yet. Not until 11:47pm. It’s about 9pm. I tried to tell you this multiple times today, but you just didn’t want to believe me. No MOM, I am six. Okay fine. Bossy. It’s okay, I remember saying the same thing to your grandma when she would tell me, you aren’t really this old until 2:26pm. One of those joys of being a mama, we get to harass our children. Trust me, you’ll do it one day. Maybe by the time you read this, you already will be. Who knows?
I am writing this for you, for your thirtieth birthday, because I am thirty. Welcome to thirty baby girl. Guess what? It’s not as scary as you believe. Or as scary as some of those around you would have you believe. I’m thirty. I have very little figured out. It’s okay. Hopefully by the time you read this, I will have figured out what I’m doing with my life. One could only hope you will have as well. If not though? It’s okay. You have time.
I figure by the time you read this, you will have lived enough of life to understand the things I am going to tell you. You will hopefully have forgiven me for my faults by then, or at least come to understand them a little more. I hope by the time you read this, you have a baby, or two. Hey even three is nice. Somehow I bet I’ll make a great grandmother. No pressure though.
Today was your birthday. Today you turned six. I wish I could bottle you up at this age. You are so entertaining. You are sweet and kind. You are extremely loving. You are a totally cuddle bug. In all honestly though, you were born that way, so it may never change. I hope it doesn’t. I hope at thirty you will still being willing to hug your mom in public, hold my hand often and cuddle on the couch while we watch movies. (Hey, a mom can dream right?)
Two weeks ago you asked me for a birthday gift that I wasn’t sure I could give you. Not the puppy you’ve been asking for months to have. (Sorry love, but no.) Not the new bike you are convinced you need. (You don’t.) Not a toy you saw on a commercial. (Mommy can you get me that? What is it? I don’t know, but it looks fun. Um, I don’t think so. Not now. Okay how about one day? Sure, when you can tell me what it is and why you need it.) Not even the iTouch your daddy gave to you from us today. No, you asked to go to an amusement park. With me, your sister and your daddy.
I’ll be honest, this gave me pause. I think it did your daddy too. We had to think about it and discuss it a few times. We decided we could both do this for you.
I’ll be honest with you my love, this was not an easy request to fill. I had to think about if my heart could take it. This year has been tough. Your daddy and I are in the process of getting divorced right now. I know that at 30, this is old news to you. But honey? It’s still new for us. For all of us. I understand why you asked. You love nothing more than to have your whole family with you at all times. You miss us together. Truth is, I do too. You wanted one adult per kid for rides. Logistically it made sense. Like I said though, it was a hard thing to do.
We did it. We had fun. You and your sister had an absolute blast. I had fun. It was hard though, I won’t lie to you. It was hard for me; it is hard for me, each time I do something like this. Something that involves a day spent with your dad. It won’t stop me from doing it though.
I fear you won’t remember us together. (It isn’t lost on me, that you were the exact same age as I was, when your grandma and grandpa got divorced.) Maybe it’s better that way. Maybe all you will remember are days like today. That is okay too. I don’t have memories of my parents like this. I want this for you. I promise you more days like today. Days filled with light hearted conversation between your dad and I. I promise you more day adventures with your family. All of us. I promise you more days filled with face paintings, funnel cakes and rides. I promise you this, because you deserve it. I promise you this because I adore you enough to make it a reality. Because I never want you to look at a picture of us from before and say to me, I just can’t picture us together. I never want you to wonder what we all looked like in the same room.
I can’t give you back what we used to have. That, is just not possible. I can however swear to you, that your dad and I will continue to put aside our own feelings for each other, for the good of you and your siblings.
Today is your birthday. Sixth and thirtieth…because I am printing this out and saving it for you. It will go in the box for you for someday. Filled with letters, pictures, strange mementos from over the years and the outfit you came home from the hospital in. One day, it will be yours.
You are currently laying in bed asleep next to me. This was something that started when your dad moved out, something I’m not sure I’m ready to stop yet. You are so beautiful. I can still see a bit of glitter on your face, from the butterfly you insisted you needed pained on you today. You are so full of life and love. You care about people and animals more than anyone I know. You are one of the most empathetic children I’ve ever met in my life. You are also the funniest child I’ve ever met in my life. Each day, I am blessed to have you in my life. I’d give you the world if I could baby girl. I’d hand it to you right now on a nice pink glittery platter next to a huge stack of Silly Bandz. I know that it’s not possible though.
What I can give you is my promise. My promise to try to do this right for you, Morgan and Harrison. My promise that I’ll keep putting my feelings aside from time to time, to make sure you have memories of your family together. For you.
I love you to the moon and back. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. Happy birthday Bailey.
Love, mama
Grab My Button!
I’m a joiner
