My two year blogiversary

So important that I well…..technically it was Saturday. But whatever, I forgot. I had too much going on this weekend. Ha.

I made it two years. Without quitting. Or quitting and shutting down for good as someone so nicely reminded me yesterday. (I’d of quit like five times over, but I have a best friend clause, which prevents me from shutting down without written consent…anyway, it’s pretty convenient. That whole think it over for two days first thing is a good idea.) Truly though? I adore that each and every single day that I have best friends who will tell it to me like it is. Who will say things like, “you mean, not quit permanently.” Because she was right. Because she and my other best friends won’t let me get away with living in my own little world. They make me be real, with them, with myself.

Best friends who will send me an email after my post yesterday that basically says, in the nicest way possible, you need to suck it up and make him CIO. And? She too is right. As always.

Best friends that I wouldn’t have without this space. Had I not re-started a blog one morning two years ago, I wouldn’t know them. I wouldn’t know any of you. That? I just can’t imagine.

I never thought I’d meet the most amazing people in the world, through my words here, but I have.

In two years, I have done a lot. More than I even knew possible when I started writing here that day.

I’ve had a baby.

I lost a pregnancy.

I’ve written things that I wish I could take back. I’ve written things that make me weep, because it’s just so real. I’ve written things that threatened to sink me. I’ve written things that make me smile.

I’ve been to a blogging conference. In a few weeks, I’ll be attending my second one.

I spoke at a keynote in front of 1,000 people, something I would never have thought possible.

I’ve gone on vacations just to meet people I met through this blog. Haven’t met a single ax murderer yet.

I’ve sat at lunches and dinners with people I didn’t know two years ago and not wanted the meal to end. Meals one on one, meals in large groups. Mostly filled with more laughter than I knew possible. Occasionally some tears. But mostly, laughter.

You all have supported me in everything. Through things that I can’t imagine I could have made it through two years ago. Through depression, heartache, divorce. You all have been there, listening and I love you for it. From the bottom of my heart, I love you for it. Here, I made you all some cupcakes. No worries, there are enough to go around.

Have you heard of this thing called the Lilith Fair?

If so? Don’t bother buying tickets. It’s a waste of money.

Years ago, I believe in 1999, Logan and I were on vacation in Colorado when one of his cousins had extra tickets to the Lilith Fair. We were thrilled to get to go since we’d tried to get tickets to see it in Los Angeles and weren’t able too. It was an all afternoon/evening outdoor concert at Fiddler’s Green. We had grass seats, which was totally fine. There were about twelve of us who went. We got there around 2 pm and hung out on the grass. A few people we were with had real seats but they were still allowed to sit on the grass with us during the day. We spread out blankets and played cards. We bought food and drinks and took them back to our little area in the grass. We could hear the bands that were playing on the smaller stages, even though no one played on the main stage until say 5 pm.

There was a huge area that was filled with different food booths. You could buy t-shirts, get hemp tattoos, see weird art. Whatever. It was an experience. The smaller stages were filled with lesser-known women bands, but I remember knowing some of them.

When the concerts started on the main stage it was amazing. We, in one night, saw Sarah McLaughlin, Sheryl Crow, Indigo Girls, Shawn Colvin, Lisa Loeb and my all time favorites, the Dixie Chicks. It was five or six hours of non-stop concerts. Sheryl Crow came out in the middle of an Indigo Girls song and jumped up on their piano. Lisa Loeb ran across the stage while someone was singing with a kite. Sheryl Crow told jokes before she sang. The Dixie Chicks were freaking amazing.  At the end, they all did a few songs together. It was huge and it was fun and it still goes down in history as one of my all-time favorite concert events ever.

Fast forward to this spring.

I heard Sarah McLaughlin was re-doing the Lilith Fair. I waited. I watched for signs that it was true. She announced her line up. It was highly impressive. You can see it here if you’d like. I signed up to be notified early, so I could buy tickets when they came out. They finally went on sale. When I saw that Sheryl Crow, Sarah McLaughlin, Sugarland, Court Yard Hounds and Miranda Lambert were all going to come to the Denver show, I bought two tickets. Pricey. Expensive. $135 a piece tickets. I figured maybe I’d get my mom to come out and we’d go. In the end, though, I decided to give the second ticket to my friend, for her birthday. Which was today. Figured a concert on her birthday was a good present. She was thrilled.

She and I both re-arranged our schedules. We made sure our kids are covered, took time off work, both of us even found people to go walk our dogs at some point. Then we get there. We stand in line to get in. No biggie. We have to toss our sunscreen because it’s in a spray can. Which was fine, our bad. We go to the small stage area and there is no place to sit. It’s all rocks. You could only stand….I mean unless you like rocks up your butt. There are only like 6 booths and they are only giving out samples of crap. A coupon. A teeny spray deodorant. Nothing to do. Nothing to see. We’d seen it all in three minutes flat. There was no place to sit and absolutely no shade. Then we saw the sign. The bands listed sign. The, this is when people are playing sign. NONE of the people we had come to see, besides Sarah McLaughlin were listed on it. She wasn’t going to play until last. We literally only knew one other person on the list and neither of us are fans of her. We walked over to where you could buy food. There were three drink booths and two food booths. Ten bucks for beer. Six bucks for a hot dog. Those were basically the only choices. Hot dogs, cheeseburgers, crappy beer or water. You can buy better food at the Costco food stand. Heck, I can buy better food outside the Home Depot on Saturdays. That guy sells brats and churros and crazy shit. Not that we went to eat or drink, I’m just saying, it was seriously limited.

We bought five dollar bottles of water and tried to find some spare concrete to sit on. Because, hi, guess what, nothing is on the main stage till 5pm, so we aren’t seating until then. Yeah. No place to sit and they wouldn’t let us go to our seats early. More and more and more people started filling into a tiny confined space. It was hot. There was no place too move and hundreds of people wondering why we couldn’t just go sit in our seats. This one woman kept inching closer and closer to me. I told my friend, if she gets any closer, she will soon be in my lap. It wasn’t even her fault, there was just that many people there.

We started asking people around us about the other bands supposedly showing up. Oh they’re not, one woman said. Yeah, I guess it wasn’t doing so well so some of them bailed. So I paid $135 a pop, to wait around until 9pm, on a weeknight, to just see Sarah McLaughlin? Whose CD I wasn’t impressed with enough to buy? Yeah, pretty much.

We sat there for about 45 minutes fuming, before we finally decided to leave. That it wasn’t even worth the time. The money was a waste, but to waste our time and be grouchy on top of it? To see shitty bands we’d never even heard of? Not worth it.

We were not the only ones either. We walked out with six other people. The people who’d been sitting next to us had been debating it. There were six of them. We had people leaving in front of us and people leaving behind us. We were offered tickets, free tickets, by eight other people. I offered my tickets to five different people in the parking lot and each of them said, no, we’re thinking about leaving too. I came so close to handing my tickets to the homeless guy at the freeway entrance.

Sarah? You have lost my business. Forever. I will never again buy your albums. I will never again believe anything you say. I may never again go to an outdoor concert that supposedly has multiple acts. You pretty much just ruined it for me. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe you will never see this. It’s more than the money. It’s the principal of it. You sold something and what you sold was a lie. I’m upset. As much for the friend whose birthday I just ruined as for myself. The money? Well it’s gone and I’ve wasted money on stupider crap before. It was a lot of money to waste though. I’m not exactly rolling in it, you know? I’m a single mom with three kids who just lost half a day of work and $300 on top of that.

I’ve been to better free concerts than this. Heck, a few years ago….the only time I’ve even seen Sugarland in concert, it was a free outdoor concert at night in freaking Palmdale, California. I remember driving up there wondering if we were being dumb. I showed up, with my husband and my little girls and we had an absolute blast. We ate tons of great food and sat on the grass and watched a two hour free concert.

This? Didn’t even come close to a free concert at a fair. It wasn’t worth the gas to drive there, much less the money I spent. I’d of stayed tonight if ANYONE you said was going to be there had been there. Just one of them. But no, it was all a lie, so we left.

I wasted my time, my money, my energy and my faith in concerts. I’m disappointed. I’m grouchy. Mostly though? I wish I’d gotten what I paid for. That would have been cool. Shrug. I won’t make the mistake again.

You lost two fans today.

I’d go baby sleep boot camp, but I’m too tired for that

We are playing some perverse game of musical beds in my house. It has to stop, I am just not sure how to stop it.
It started out all innocently. See, when Harrison was born, we had a scare in the hospital. Nothing big, but scary enough that I was a neurotic mess the night he came home from the hospital. When the choice came to put him in his crib, I hedged. The girls had always slept in their cribs. But that was a different time and I was a different me. So….I brought him to bed with me. Logan raised his eyebrows at me, but didn’t say a word. It just sort of worked. Harrison was a great sleeper as an infant.

Fast forward about nine months and he stopped being a pleasant bed baby. We transitioned him into sleeping in the crib. Which worked out okay. However? He’s not a great sleeper. At nearly two years old (Sigh. When did that happen?) he still wakes up and cries out for me a couple times a night. He’s lost his bink. He’s gotten caught up in his blankie in a way he doesn’t like. He…well whatever, he just doesn’t sleep through the night. Or he won’t and he screams, which isn’t pleasant for me or his sleeping sisters. However? In January when Logan moved out, I started going to get him when he woke up. Bringing him into bed with me. Partially because listening to him cry, made me weep. Partially because I already wasn’t sleeping, so what did it matter.

Also, Bailey has pretty much slept with me non-stop since January. I put her to bed in her bed. Most nights at least. However, as soon as I leave the room, she gets up, takes her blankies and goes and gets in my bed. Two or three hours later, when I go to bed, I’m not willing to move her, so I generally leave her.

I don’t mind her in my bed. She’s like the perfect sleep buddy. She rarely moves. She barely makes a peep. She’s cuddly. I do mind Harrison in my bed though. Yet, I don’t seem to be able to stop it.

Reality is, it’s hard to say no at 2am. I know he wants me. He knows he wants me. I am weak. It’s hard, this single parent gig. Some people do it non-stop. I don’t. We share custody. But still, there are three of them and one of me. at night, when I’m tired? I loose the will power to be strong.

I am also very, very tired. He’s rolly. He’s like a baby steam roller. He’s a blanket thief. I don’t even think I can explain to you what happens to the sheets. He’s insane. He’s a toddler blanket dictator. Bailey and I wake up shivering. He kicks too. Some mornings, I play, where are my children. It’s a fun game. Where fun equals weird.

This is a night/morning example from a few days ago: (I copied it out of a chat with Liz from last week.)
At midnight maybe, Bailey came into bed with me. At 1am Harrison woke up.

I brought him into bed with me. At 3am  I know Bailey got up and went to the bathroom, at 6:45am I woke up, I was alone. Went to see where my children all were, can only assume Bailey got tired of Harrison kicking and left. She was on the couch. Maybe Harrison went to sleep with Morgan for some ungodly reason, because that’s where he was. He Probably kicked her too many times she got up and slept in Bailey ’s bed? Is insane. No fucking wonder I am so tired today.

Yeah. That was a few days ago. Last night? I slept with the little two in my bed. I woke up on the edge, with Bailey basically huddled right next to me…probably for warmth, since Harrison had stolen all of the covers.

Is it a wonder that I’m tired all the freaking time? I should know how to do this. But I don’t. It’s hard to break a habit that I started. I never started it with the girls. The reason Bailey sleeps with me, is solely because she was just too sad when her dad and I separated and needed me. She may still, which is why I’m not willing to kick her out of my bed yet.

I feel bad that I’m okay with her in my bed, but not him.

He’s gotta go. I just don’t know how to be a hard ass at night. I’m great at it during the day. At night though? I’m a big ole wuss and he knows it.

Halp? Any ideas? Tell me I’m not alone. Please, someone. Anyone?

Random bits of Thursday

Because I don’t think any of them require an entire post. Yet somehow I think they might be too long and random for Twitter. Well too long at least.

1. In three weeks exactly, I will be sitting at the airport, ready to board a plane to NYC for BlogHer10. I am super freaking excited. I can’t wait to see and hug all of my friends. To stay up late with my amazing roomies. To make some mischief with Undomestic Diva…or well to watch her and photograph it. To meet new people and to FINALLY see NYC.

2. I ordered two sets of business cards. Because I am that nerdy.

3. I either pulled a muscle in my boob last night or had an asthma attack in my sleep. Am actually leaning toward the asthma attack theory. To counteract this, I got an extra shot in my coffee this morning. Bouncing will commence in 3…2…1

4. Last night I watched a new show called Covert Affairs. Not sure which night it actually comes on though, I DVR everything. I actually really liked it. I mean it’s not Alias, but nothing is going to match up to Alias.

5. Last night Morgan convinced me I needed this app for the iPad called Fruit Ninja. Basically, you slice fruit as is flies past you. It’s so dumb…yet so dang addicting. We all took turns playing it last night. Hi, time wasters.

6. The girls want to see the Sorcerer’s Apprentice this weekend. I am considering getting a sitter for Harrison on Friday night and taking them out to dinner and to a movie. A girls date night of sorts.

Well I think that is all I’ve got. At least in this moment.